What Coaching Isn't

I have seen many well-intentioned people think they are coaching, when in fact, they are leading an employee to do what they want them to do. The expression, “Leading a horse to water” comes to mind. That is not coaching but directing. It is perfectly acceptable at times, and sometimes necessary, but make no mistake, it isn’t coaching. 

Here’s why it isn't effective; it’s about the result, not the person. 

When you influence someone to take action or change something because you want them to, you are the driver. You are convinced this is the correct action to take, and you are attempting to convince others. That makes you an expert and a consultant in many ways. You have an outcome you would like to see (you).

Coaching, on the other hand, occurs when the coach listens carefully to a person with curiosity about where they think they are unable to move forward. The coach does not come up with a solution. Instead, they work together to get deeper into the issue, and together, come up with new ideas, thoughts, and actions to take to get past it (they).

It is about the person you are coaching; what they need to learn and develop so they can be successful.

Here’s an example: 

Your employee isn’t sure what to do about their staff that is giving him a hard time. He can’t seem to figure out what their problem is and has resorted to command and control. 

Coaching:

You ask him what he thinks the best outcome is, and the other possible outcomes. He describes what he has observed about the different relationships within the team.  You listen for what’s not being said. You courageously delve into his beliefs about managing and obeying.  You remain curious as to the causes of what has driven the “real problem” under the surface. You create space for the employee to think this through and be curious himself. You then ask what he thinks the best outcome might be. Perhaps you work to get him to think through what support he needs to get to this outcome. Together, you come up with ways to make this work or develop different strategies.

The result: 

You have unearthed important beliefs the manager has about “obeying” him and what he thinks that means about him if that isn’t happening. 

You have given him the space to see that his beliefs about “command and control” and perhaps lack of tools for any other way of leading could be part of the issue. 

He leaves with ideas for how to move forward and what skills he wants to develop.

You leave with a follow-up date to check in on what he believes the best actions are and how you can support him. 

Not Coaching:

You tell him that it is his job to get them under control and he has every right to sanction those around him should they not do their job. You may even tell him you will support him and involve HR where necessary. You tell him about a great book on how to deal with insubordinate employees. 

You end the meeting. 

The result:

You’ve created a solution for him and advised him what to do. 

Tell me, the next time that employee is stuck, what has he learned? Who has he learned to rely on, himself, or you to solve for him?

I know there are many nuances to this, and if it’s your first time wading into coaching you may be confused as to how this is effective. Coaching is about the approach and accountability. It is about personal and professional development, not just advice. 

Feel free to reach out and ask me anytime and we can talk more about the role of the coach.